My Worst Mistakes
I’m always going to make mistakes no matter what I do to prevent them. But at least I can deal with the ones I can look back on and say, “Yeah, that sounds like something I would do.”
The other ones—the ones that I made because I let someone else pressure me into making the wrong choice, or I made the wrong choice for the wrong reasons, such as trying to impress someone else—those are harder to deal with.
Thankfully I don’t have too many of those, but the ones I do have aren’t worth the regret.
Since I’m going to make more mistakes, I’m making a promise to myself right now that they will at least be wholly my mistakes. I want them to be ones that I chose to make while being true to myself.
After all, like the great man Billy Joel says, “You’re not the only one who’s made mistakes, but they’re the only things that you can truly call your own.”
I don’t want to have to call them my own knowing that I made them for someone else, even if that someone else was really me pretending to be someone else.
Words of Advice
The truth is, I’m afraid of taking chances. I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of letting people in. I like to be independent and I don’t let people close.
But today, my best friend preached to me: “Do you want to be happy? Do you want to be adventurous? Then take a step in that direction. Don’t let anything hold you back. If you keep letting things hold you back, no matter how little they are, you’ll never be able to move forward.”
Such wise words. I don’t know what I’d do without her support; I guess I’ll give this new guy a chance.
She looked into his eyes. “I really do think I’m in love with you.”
He swallowed and just stared at her. He pressed his mouth to hers. He kissed a line across her cheek and to her ear. He whispered, “I don’t know what I feel. Please don’t be upset that I don’t always say it back.”
She dropped her head to his shoulder. “It’s all right, darling.” She kissed his neck. “It’s quite all right.” She sucked on his neck for a few moments.
He let out a sigh. “Where did you learn that?”
She lifted her head and kissed him. “I’ve always known it, I just never knew if you liked it.”
She smiled and dropped her mouth back down to his neck.
He rubbed her back. He ran his nails lightly over her skin.
She shivered. She lifted her head and claimed his mouth again.
He pressed her back on the bed and continued to kiss her. His arms remained around her, holding her close.
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.
“What Nostalgia is”
Nostalgia is not knowing. Not knowing how to think on something other than him who you think of all the time. Not knowing how to control the tears before a memory of you together, at some photos or merely at music. Not knowing how to stop the pain or the silence that surrounds you. Not knowing how to replace his physical absence, his voice, his scent and your conversations together.
If it’s too good to be true, then it probably is. I am highly skeptical of my emotions, for they have failed me far too many times in the past. I shall not fall for this nonsense anymore.
The Easy Way Out
It’s one of the worst things you could ever do to a person. If you’re not happy, if you’re bored, if that person isn’t enough for you anymore, then just fucking leave. And unless there’s an elephant stuck in the door and a crazy gunman standing by the window telling you to stay in the relationship or he’ll shoot you in the foot, you have no excuse for cheating. Don’t tell me you’re just trying to protect them, that you don’t want to hurt them, because you know what’s going to hurt them? Finding out you cheated. And they will find out. i don’t care if you’re a motherfucking ninja, you’ll still get caught. People talk, someone’s going to tell. Don’t be the reason behind someone’s trust issues. Cheating is never okay.
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
Don’t You Hate
The way that certain people make us feel? And the fact that we ALLOW them to make us feel like that? It’s enough to make you not want to open up to anyone again. But we do, again and again, occasionally leading to a perfect ending but often ending in tears. Is there ever a time to say enough is enough? To do that would be to limit our chances of ever finding that perfect ending, but to continue as we do could destroy us before we reach it.
Her eyes don’t light up when she hears your name anymore. She doesn’t get chills when you walk by, and her heart doesn’t race when you smile at her. You don’t get to her like you used to. You’re just a bad memory in the back of her mind. So don’t be surprised the next time you make your way past her, she doesn’t even glance your way. Don’t bother trying to talk to her, you won’t get a response. She’s done fighting the same losing battle. The saddest part is you have no one to blame but yourself. She gave you every chance you could ask for. And you fucked up every time. Now she walks around with nothing but a smile on her face, and she laughs harder than ever before. Looks like you lost her, bro.